Yesterday, I started to write this blog. It was totally different. I was going to take a break. Let you know that I would be back after the holidays.
And then I saw the news today.
That in itself is a miracle. Since I live in the middle of nowhere we have no television. But today was a town day. We stopped for lunch and watched the events in play-back on the television above our table.
Horrific. Nauseating. Overwhelming.
Then, during one of the news clips of various shots of the scene, I saw a uniform. Several in fact.
Another day at work.
And my heart broke again.
They will write their reports. Possibly have a debriefing about the horror they saw. And they will go home. Their wives could possibly have also had a stressful day. Sick children. Broken appliances. The stress of knowing her husband was on scene.
But regardless of what it may look like on the outside. Life does not just go back to normal.
Being married to a law enforcement officer is like being handed a bucket. Every incident and trauma that your spouse witnesses becomes a brick in your bucket. Even if they don’t tell you about it. There is something you can see in their eyes. In the way they hug their children. In the way they bark security measures. What changes them, changes you.
The bucket gets heavier.
I refuse to use the word burden. It’s not that kind of bucket. But whatever name you give it, it’s presence is unavoidable.
I’ve carried that bucket. In some ways I still do. Life changes us. There is no going back. But I want to share a secret I’ve learned. A message to the wives of those officers from Connecticut. And to anyone else who carries the bucket.
You love your husband. You gladly carry the bucket. A sign of solidarity. You think you are alone in that. Your friends can’t see the bucket and sometimes your family can’t either.
But you are not alone.
If nothing else, you have sisters who also stand behind the Thin Blue Line. We see your bucket and we are praying for you and your family. We pray too for the families of those who lost someone, but we don’t forget the one’s called to serve and protect and the one’s who love them.
You are in our prayers. You are in our hearts. We see your bucket.
May our prayers lift your load and may we all look to the day when Peace rules.
16/12/2012 at 10:13 am Permalink
thank you so much for putting into words what i couldn’t. i’m a wife of a correctional officer. i know its different than police and fire. but the same in that he has witnessed some pretty horrific scenes inside the prison walls. He has changed. i have changed. i don’t feel it on a day to day basis, but it is there. the heavy bricks in my bucket, heavy bricks in his bucket. I pray for him every day, that is my solace; that is my comfort.
16/12/2012 at 10:29 am Permalink
Thanks Bekah. And I think being a correctional officer certainly qualifies. It’s bitter sweet to hear others say they feel the same way. It’s nice to not feel alone but it makes me sad that others are so familiar with the feeling of carrying around a heavy bucket. Keep praying. That is the only way I’ve found to lighten my load. Thanks again for sharing.