Category Archives: On Faith

Another Bitch

Cancer, On Faith,
Photo by Dmitry Ratushny on Unsplash

It has become common practice as of late to attempt a description of my current landscape. Metaphors such as dance partners and professors fall a bit short in portraying the fullness of this “new normal” (quotes added to denote the derision imposed by this phrase). Honestly, I’ve been struggling to garner the courage to paint a broader and encompassing picture. So, after some therapy sessions, I sat down last week and wrote a few paragraphs to viscerally illustrate what it feels like to be me in this moment. I quickly discovered why I had been avoiding this practice. The product was authentic but startling – graphic, and so bleak, depressing, and dark. The premise or metaphor employed was to wake up in a room, pitch dark, disoriented, and terrified. Upon realizing I had possibly written a scene for a “Saw” movie, I had to get up and walk away. (If you are not familiar with the “Saw” movie franchise, please do not research. Preserve your soul and trust me when I say they are yucky.)

The extreme images, though accurately depicting my current state of emotion, hung around me like the lingering smell when your toaster self-actualizes and burns the toast regardless of the low setting selected. I felt overwhelmed by the darkness, exhausted at fighting what I could not see. I had looked into the face of my reality and while I held a degree of gratitude (I tend to think you can’t fully deal with things you cannot name), the aftermath was vile, unwelcome, and debilitating. But keep reading, it gets better.

Karma showed up. And not in the bitchy way one might assume (which would make her the third bitch in this succession of blog posts). She has another side. My dad often used to tell us how the unseen world, or spiritual world, has been ordained under the same physical laws that govern the universe. “One reaps what one sows” is not just the first lesson in horticulture. It is a basic tenant of the universe. You plant a peach tree and expect to find peaches one day. Similarly, you sow seeds of greed and jealousy, and the hope of humanity is Karma will eventually repay such things in kind. But, using that same logic, one could be repaid for kindness and generosity of spirit. And such a repayment found its way to me in a very unexpected way. The following was forwarded to me recently.

“…it’s one thing to tell someone you’re sending positive thoughts or praying and it’s another entirely to let them hear or read exactly what that message is. So below is my prayer for you today…

Divine spark, Sustainer of all energy, and Giver of life…surround Anne with your presence. As she tries to breathe deeply to release stress, I pray the inhaling breaths are full of peace, like breathing in an intoxicating and calming fragrance. Infuse her breath with Peace while she waits for life to unfold and the path to be made clear. Right now, she is standing in a dark tunnel with only a couple doors. I pray that upcoming events burst through the tunnel, letting light in so she can see the other doors…”

As I read this, my daughter was sitting next to me and happened to be the one who sent it. As tears streamed down my face, she said, “You wrote this.” She reminded me how Anne, a few years ago, reached out and asked if I would send positive thoughts and pray for her. The above was my response to the request from Ann “with an e”. (For the record, I’ve changed her name – the friend, not my daughter.)

This was a message I needed. Kindness returned, ironically in my own words, and reminded me what hope looks like.

I hope you will go back and reread the prayer as needed, as I am doing and have done (I’ve reread it a lot). Bravely insert your name, hopefully finding a glimpse of light, a few seconds of relief, and give yourself a moment to acknowledge the beautiful incense of hope. Also, I am painfully aware the syntax and grammar are far from perfect, and am fighting the urge to edit the crap out of it. In its current state, it seems real and raw and perhaps more human. Hmm, maybe that’s the best representation of my current state after all – finitely human and infinitely hopeful. 

I’m about halfway through the sentence of this dark place. I’m diligently trying not to sit in resignation and/or hold my breath until it’s over; but instead, to somehow find the strength to keep looking for clues, or lessons, and ways to help me deal with the symptoms – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. To figure out how not to isolate entirely, but fight to be present with my family, with my friends, with myself, through these new and deepening shades of exhaustion and compromised immunity.

Finitely human and infinitely hopeful.

P.S. I truly feel all your prayers and positive thoughts. I relish the check ins, and I know you are with me in spirit – like a great cloud of witnesses, cheering me on.

I Dwell in Possibility…

On Faith

                                                                   

I dwell in Possibility –

A fairer House than Prose –

More numerous of Windows –

Superior – For Doors –

Of Chambers as the Cedars –

Impregnable of eye –

And an everlasting roof

The Gambles of the Sky –

Of Visitors – the fairest –

For Occupation – This –

The spreading wide my narrow Hands

To gather Paradise –

-Emily Dickenson

Over twenty years ago, someone told me one should never ask, “What if?” I still struggle with this idea. For one, I’m a writer. In the most obvious sense, if I never asked what if, my stories would be very short and rather boring. The exploration of the “what if” is the very thing that propels the protagonist through the angst. 

But that’s pretend. Should one never ask “What if” in the real world? 

I went to bed last night wondering a what if question. My last blog revealed a recent health detour from normal (another word I’m wrestling with, so stay tuned.) The follow up appointment after surgery ended with a referral to an oncologist. The massive tumor met the definition of the dreaded “C” word. (I used this phraseology recently to someone and they asked which dreaded “C” word I was referencing.  I’m still trying to figure out the other dreaded “C” words. I didn’t ask. One is enough for the time being.) The oncologist requested a PET scan to see if there is more cancer and said we would discuss future steps depending on the outcome. The follow up with the doctor was today. So for several weeks, my family and I have danced with “What if?” 

A common phrase has been, “I hope it’s clear.” But I never want to use words like hope or love frivolously. So before I could embrace the hope of a comma in this chapter of my story, I sat with Hope for a bit, to get reacquainted. She reminded me of the time we spent together in England. She would meet me every day (not exaggerating) when I got off the bus and then she would walk with me the 10 minutes I had until I arrived at work. Adjusting to a new school is a challenge. Adjusting to a new school in a foreign country was at times, daunting. So, Hope and I would discuss the possibilities that lay ahead each day. It would have been easy to focus on the numerous things I could almost count on going array. But Hope kept whispering in my ear, “What if?” What if? What if today, you make a connection with that student that keeps misbehaving in class? What if today, you get a smile out of the student who is mute? What if today, you make your students laugh and for a few minutes, it’s actually fun. What if? Hope helped me climb atop the shoulders of dread and see the possibility.

We often erroneously accuse Hope of being fragile. On the contrary, she’s rather resilient. She has withstood battle fields strewn with stories ended too soon. She has survived the starvation and anguish of multitudes caged in concentration camps. She has persisted through famines and pestilence and all manner of suffering. And in the midst of all of it, she stands in the middle of the decay and chaos and says, “What if? What if our lives stretch beyond our death? What if every breath we breathe ripples through eternity? What if?

Hope is a brilliant artist. She takes the drab, life-less colors of our fears, and she spins the most beautiful tapestry.

I woke up the first morning after my surgery in the oncology department. I was supposed to be waking up in my own bed after a routine procedure. In the midst of my processing, I heard a voice. (This time it was a real person, I promise.) “Good morning, Rebecca. I’m Meridith.” Before I could even respond with any amount of civility, I was uncertain the social protocols of conversation between two cancer patients separated by a sheet, she kept going. “I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer over a year ago. I know a little bit of what you are dealing with in this moment. If you ever have any questions, I’m right here.” 

Tears streamed down my face. Much like they are now. Sometimes, Hope shows up in people. For five days, Meridith walked me through the first parts of my cancer journey. She laughed at my jokes (she seriously may be a saint), she helped me process, she cheered me on, and she whispered, “What if?” But even more profoundly, she exuded life in the unlikeliest of places and she reminded me what Hope looks like.

So, if you haven’t met my friend Hope, the next time your mind is swirling in a cacophony of fear and chaos, listen for her. Her currency is possibility and if you chose an encounter with her, I can’t guarantee your circumstances will change, but your perspective might and maybe that’s the more important of the two anyway.

P.S. The PET scan was clear! Thank you all so much for your prayers, positive thoughts, and best wishes! You have no idea how you lifted us and helped sustain us! Muah!!!

The View

On Faith, On Life
an evening view

I have been thinking about my last post and I feel I need to paint a more accurate portrait of our current status. The last post shows the view from our rooftop terrace. That really is the view but there are two things that I feel may have been overlooked by the singular perspective. 

First addendum. My mattress currently resides on the floor. Sure, we have a great view, but I can literally roll out of bed onto the floor. Last night, my dog curled up next to me. That was a sobering moment. If my mattress is on the floor, do I really sleep on a giant dog bed? But 3 hours in the local IKEA store on the morning we got the okay to move into the house could only yield so much fruit. We had four carts (aka trolley) full of necessary items to sustain life in a house. I’m talking ice cream scooper, pots and pans, and other necessary housewares. We were fortunate enough to grab a few things for every room, including mattresses and sheets. Bailey was the only one ready to pull the trigger on a bed.

I was walking home from the bus stop the other day and thinking about what we left behind. We have rugs, and beds, and headboards, and a drawer full of kitchen utensils. I remember putting a large plastic box of Band-Aids into an even larger cardboard box to store in the garage in Nevada. I think it safe to say that counts as surplus. Thankfully, Bailey was insightful enough to bring some Band-Aids with us. I chose another pair of shoes above a box of Band-Aids which is ironic because that leads me into the second issue that needs rectifying.

I brought with me several pairs of heals. It’s what I wore to work in the States. But I drove to work everyday. Here, I ride the bus. Which also means I have to walk. No one would want to walk a mile in my shoes. I don’t want to walk in my shoes. My feet are killing me. I have had a neon blue Band-Aid on the back of my heel for a week now. Not covering a blister but an actual area where I rubbed the skin off. We traded the rural country drives, for the slick streets of London and the sometimes running to catch the next bus. The amazing rooftop view comes at a price.

The four of us hung out up there yesterday afternoon. It was a sunny day in London and perhaps the last one for a while. We can see a long ways into the distance. Alternately, if we look down, we can peer into the lives of our neighbors. It reminds me of the Hitchcock movie, “Rear Window.” For those of you who haven’t seen it, the moral of the story is don’t be a voyeur. We could easily be drawn from the expansive view by the daily, often mundane routines happening around us. But thanks to Mr. Hitchcock, we know that generally doesn’t end well. 

Here’s what I see when I look down, metaphorically. I’m super stressed at work. There are a couple of classes where I have spent far more time teaching behavior and impulse control than math. It’s so frustrating! And in my forty plus minute commute to and from work, I have time to reflect. There are days when I struggle to see anything more than the mundane task of behavior management. It becomes a cycle where I feel ineffectual as a math teacher and then I’m falling down the rabbit hole where my current life choices come under intense scrutiny. I could be in Nevada with a bed off the floor, more kitchen utensils, and a house full of stuff, not to mention several pairs of boots I left behind. 

I know I’m not alone in this. Literally, I have three other people here struggling on different days with similar issues. We have replaced the familiar with everything that is not familiar. And in the moments of high stress, it’s so important for me to take high ground. To stand on the terrace and look out as far as possible. In the future my foot will heal. In the future, the consistent and patient care of my students will reap reward. In the future, the unfamiliar will grow to be familiar. In the future, I will have a bed off the floor. While I can’t live in the future, I can allow a bigger perspective to breathe hope into the chaos of the present. And I’ve found an amazing thing happens. It isn’t limbo to live between the chaos of the present and the hope for a different future. I think this middle ground is a garden that grows gratitude. I’m far more grateful for the smile or greeting from a student. For the moments of laughter with colleagues. For a seat on the bus on the way home. 

I find myself saying this a lot. Through different stories or blog posts, I apologize for repeating myself. But I need to be reminded so often. Reminded how my perspective, what I choose to look at, makes all the difference.  

P.S. Since I started writing this post, we have obtained beds. Just didn’t want anyone to worry unnecessarily. 

But tomorrow, there’s coffee

On Faith, On Life
coffee please!

It’s late here. Almost 11 pm. Or as they would say here, 23:00. (We call it military time. They just call it time. I’m sure there’s a witty quip in there somewhere but did I mention it’s late?!) The offer for the house was declined. They won’t accept pets. We went through a great deal of trouble, and expense, to get 2 dogs here. It would be a shame to give them away now! Haha! Buddy (one of the dogs) keeps looking at me like he somehow knows I have even suggested such a horrendous idea!

Buddy
I’m not going anywhere.

So the hunt continued today. Six houses, none of course next to each other. We drove and drove and drove. Had words with the navigation app. As the bird flies it is only say 12 miles, but nothing in London is direct so we actually drive 20 to get there. We are all exhausted. However, the evening ended with the four of us (we miss you Isaac!) sitting around a table, eating moderately tasteful food (which is rather high praise at this point), and discussing the pros and cons. The conversation led to choosing another house. Once again, we cross our fingers, say a prayer, and take a deep breath.

Oh, and today, David and I braved a Laundromat. I’m sure they won’t quickly forget us as we were the ones who accidentally put a Euro in the machine instead of a Pound. They had to call in the repair guy. He was quite jovial about it and in our defense the two coins (bills don’t start here until 5 Pounds) look remarkably similar and feel quite the same. We apologized profusely. I’m sure they think we are nuts. Now the consensus is the same in at least two countries! 

We are told so often to live in the now, enjoy the journey…I’m trying but I’m not going to lie. I’m so looking forward to familiar coffee in the morning. We stopped at a store to purchase a sort of French press, Starbucks ground coffee, cream, and mugs. There’s a hot water pot in the hotel room because the British are bonkers for tea.

It was a long day. We still don’t have a home. Our lives reduced to suitcases stacked in a hotel room…but tomorrow, there’s coffee! 

No More Purple Mountains

On Faith, On Life

Smith, Nevada
Purple mountains

When we first moved to Nevada almost 7 years ago, I was struck by the stark beauty. “Purple mountains majesty” are really a thing. I remember standing in the cold, 14 degrees to be exact, watching our little kiddos at the time, sled down a sand hill covered in snow. Surrounded by high desert, lungs and toes objecting to the cold, I couldn’t help but think of the Israelites as they left Egypt.

(Some of you may not know this but I’m a bit of a Bible geek. Hang in there. I promise there’s a point.)

The Israelites leave Egypt. This nation within a nation, leave the only home they have known for generations. They end up in the desert, surrounded now by the majesty of creation. No doubt a huge contrast to the opulence and grandeur that they had grown accustomed to in Egypt. Confronted now with the unmistakable magnificence of the ordinary, they began a journey. Their journey was to last 40 years and I have always found that exhaustive and oddly specific. While I cannot speak still to the length, perhaps I am beginning to understand the reason. Maybe it wasn’t enough for them just to see something different. Maybe they needed to be pulled far outside their comfort zone. A reboot sort of.

We left our home in Nevada on July 31. The hospitality and graciousness of friends and family has been overwhelming and so greatly appreciated. But we have been nomads. We’ve sold cars and belongings, whittling our existence down to 12 suitcases, a rental car, two dogs, and a hope of someday having some space to call our own again. Three weeks of being stretched outside our comfort zone. And as I think of the Israelites wandering for 40 years, it makes a bit more sense. If we had jumped straight from Nevada house to London house, there would inevitably be a fair bit of comparing. Well in Nevada we had…It would be human nature to want to go back to the Nevada house. The familiar. Our home. But now, perhaps we are all so tired of traveling, the greater response may simply be gratitude. Hearts that are thankful to have space again, a place to call home, a chance to settle. A reboot sort of.

The house hunt begins tomorrow. An archaic boots on the ground approach. You know how you walk through towns you may be stopping over in and there always seems to be the reality agent on main street with houses taped to the window? I’m hoping there’s a UK equivalent. And yes, we know about the internet. But it’s a house we are picking. A neighborhood, a community. Boots on the ground seems appropriate. (And at this point, a chance to get out of the tiny hotel room.)

At this point, I’m praying our nomadic journey is nearly done. In search of 3 bedroom home, 2 baths (we have teenage daughters), pet friendly, and some furniture would be amazing!

The hunt begins tomorrow.

The Violinist of Versailles, part 2. Words of a stranger.

On Faith, ,

The Violinist of Versailles and family
The Violinist of Versailles and family

I never met her. I didn’t even know her name; so, I dubbed her The Violinist of Versailles. Her small violin and her even smaller hands brilliantly played the notes that touched the deep places of my heart. She closed her eyes, and her little angelic face demonstrated how to play simply for the love of the music. Pure emotion. Pure intuition.

She taught me something that day. As a writer, it’s quite easy to get caught up in varied definitions of success–books sold, or contracts secured. This career path threatens daily to become a tally sheet of rejections. Since I saw her, the Violinist of Versailles, I have been reminded to close my eyes, shut out the audience and the critics, and let my fingers translate the images that play like a movie real inside my head. To write simply for the love of the craft as she played for the love of the music. 

I wrote about her, how she touched me that day and I thought it ended there. But, for reasons beyond my comprehension, the story has grown. After posting a blog about the Violinist of Versailles, and telling my story of that day, I received a remarkable email. It seems only fitting that the one who penned the email should be allowed to share his story in his own words. 

Here is the email I received.

My time never seems to be my own. With two daughters, Jordi now 6 and Ali now 8, I spend much of my free time focusing them on practicing their music. When we’re not practicing, I patiently bide my time at The Conservatory awaiting the conclusion to their lessons, practices and rehearsals.

Most of the time it is like corralling feral cats. Making things worse is that this is the pre-summer concert, examination and competition season. The busiest and most stressful musical season of the year.

Bored, I sat by myself in a giant concert hall this past Saturday. A thumbnail orchestra of miniature musicians was on stage, and I was working very hard to ignore them as they repeatedly practiced snippets of the great masters. Accompanied by the frenzied grunts and noises of the concert leader, Bach and Beethoven washed over me, and I was intentionally oblivious. 

As Ali was called to the piano to accompany Jordi on the violin to rehearse Paganini for their upcoming concert I was intentionally oblivious. 

My self-imposed ignorant bliss was disturbed when they yelled at each other, snipping about tempos, cues, and rhythm. While the Instructors got them back in line, for some reason glancing at me disapprovingly, I consciously tried to melt into my seat and disappear while I began an in-depth inspection of the contents of my cell phone. The sounds of their music retired to the background of my consciousness, and although the reason why I leave work early to bring them to music was plain as day and resounding in my ears, it somehow escaped my attention.

I was searching my phone for a particular picture, but in my distraction I searched the internet instead. Rather than viewing the photograph I was looking for on my phone, I found myself reading your blog on the Violinist of Versailles.

As I read your words, the beauty of my daughters’ music began to surface from where I had pushed it into the background. Somehow with all the rushing, coaching, teaching and practicing I had lost focus of the reason why. 

What you describe was familiar to me, and as I approached the end of your blog their music roared in my head like a storm, undeniable and insistent. Your words reminded me of their brilliance – a brilliance of which even they are unaware. Little girls who are made of music, to the point that they even sing in their sleep.

When I finished reading your blog I viewed the picture of the Violinist of Versailles. Then I looked at the stage, and there she stood in real life before me. Eyes closed, miniature violin under her chin creating the music of the angels. The Violinist of Versailles. 

I don’t mean this figuratively – I am being quite literal. Jordi is your Violinist of Versailles. And your words, words from a stranger whispered into the wind, found their way home and reminded me of the value of the hours, days, weeks expended by these two little girls in perfecting the art that is their music.

I will never forget our experience standing in line at Versailles. Jordi won’t travel anywhere without her violin, and that day was no different than any other in that respect. She was only five last summer, and although she was used to playing to large audiences at concerts, the huge crowd of people in line on the cobblestones was very intimidating. Standing in the sun with no shade, having pre-purchased tickets just to stand in that lineup, everyone seemed so upset and dejected, and Jordi just wanted to cheer them up. Although it sometimes recedes to the background of my recollection, I will always remember my pride at her concert at Versailles.

But, like writing, music sometimes feels solitary. With electronic media it is even less personal – broadly distributed, its worth sometimes feels diluted. It is easy to lose sight of the fact that your art touches an audience. It is difficult at times to comprehend the size of the audience, or foresee the effect it will have on that audience.

Thank you for sharing your feelings about how Jordi’s music touched you. You have returned the favour – I am your audience, and your words have now touched me.

As I read this email, tears fell down my cheeks. “Words from a stranger.” I’m afraid I cannot portray such a profound moment in the magnitude it deserves. Maybe if I could it would no longer be profound. I don’t know. But I do know this–we are all strangers and our words have the capability to soar and move above the ancient ground upon which we tread. Just like the notes Jordi played that day in Versailles. 

I still have never met her, but she has a place in my heart. Notes and words strung together like bits of yarn and twigs to build a sort of nest in my heart for memories to live.

I’m grateful for words from a stranger. Thank you, James, for your words likewise whispered into the wind. And thank you Jordi, for sharing the unforgettable that day. 

Life is a Teacher

On Faith

Life is a teacher.
Life is a teacher.

Life is a teacher.

I remember saying that just the other day. Chances are I was being sarcastic, but the profundity reverberated back and hit me square between the eyes. Indeed, life is a teacher. Not teacher as in fourth grade, double check you did your spelling homework, kind of teacher. More like, ancient college professor who doesn’t care or even seem to notice if you show up for the oft monotone lectures on the bonding of atoms, kind of teacher.

Life is always teaching, with or without our consent. The question is, “Are we paying attention?”

I think our tendency is to want to be the teacher. We dominate our to do lists. Strive for accomplishment. Paint a reality that leads us to believe we have any control over anything. We steal the pointer from the decrepit instructor and we point it around and tell the circumstances in the room who’s the boss.

Our children have been raising lambs for 4H. And long story short, we had to put one of them down last night. All of us have grown to love the gentlest lamb in the bunch.

This culture of winning and striving and controlling has provided a great deal, but it has left us barren in the face of death.

Death is also a teacher. Only this teacher doesn’t surrender her pointer stick or her podium. When she speaks, we are silent, and as her voice whispers a final breath, all our accomplishments and striving and control are rendered mute. The words we use in the classroom of life have no bearing in the silence. 

But if we can be silent for a few moments in death’s classroom, we witness a great paradox. In a few words, death teaches us about life. She points to our aimless strivings and our lust for control. She draws us back to reality. The reality that declares the only control we may have is over ourselves–our words, our actions. She teaches us how to live better. To live in honesty and vulnerability. To live in reality.

Death raises her pointer stick, points back to the classroom of life, and whispers, “Pay attention.”

Platform 9 and 3/4

On Faith, On Life, , , ,

“The Sorcerer’s Stone” Platform 9 and 3/4

Oscar Wilde once said, “Life imitates art far more than art imitates life.” I think that might be one of those chicken versus egg kind of questions. You know, which came first? But in this instance, I believe Oscar is right.

The other night we were watching the first Harry Potter movie (The Sorcerer’s Stone.) I think it’s safe to say that we view art through current circumstances. And in this case, I couldn’t help but feel as though that movie was imitating our life. Or our life is currently imitating that movie? Was it the chicken or the egg?

Anyway, we had grown quite used to living under the stairs. We were accustomed to meeting the expectations put upon us by ourselves and others. We followed the rules. And then something changed. An invitation of sorts.

We accepted the invitation. It meant David retiring and us moving out to the country. We made our way to the train station and stood perplexed at our ticket. There is no Platform nine and three quarters. Now what?

Oh! We run full speed ahead straight at a brick wall! Of course! Why didn’t we think of that?

Leaving behind all that we know, full speed and unlimited internet, the camaraderie of the department, and the security of a schedule, to name a few, has left us running at a brick wall. But we are running. Full speed ahead. Uprooting or making a change of any kind feels like running straight at a brick wall somewhere between platform nine and platform ten and hoping not to splat.

And it isn’t the first time we’ve done this. I remember  when David was diagnosed with PTSD and it felt like we were running straight toward  a brick wall. No idea what was on the other side or even if we would make it to the other side. But we ran. We ran toward help.

We made it through the brick wall and found help. And that helps us believe. It helps us believe that this time, what lies on the other side, is a magical place beyond our wildest dreams.

Reality check. Perhaps we won’t see that this side of heaven but maybe we will find an adventure. At the very least.

Are you running at a brick wall too? What do you hope to find on the other side?

Hope

On Faith, On Life, , ,

Can you spot the flowers?

 

To conclude our mission trip to Mexico we had a time of sharing. Highlights. Challenges.

One of my teammates shared the profound. She was struck by the amount of hope demonstrated in unexpected ways. At first glance, all that could be seen was poverty. But as the days progressed, her perspective changed. In the midst of destitution and dirt, hope sprang up. The smiles of children, the wash hanging on the line outside, the bright pink and yellow houses. The tiny patches of flowers in unexpected places.

Small evidences of hope. 

As she was sharing, my perspective was challenged as well. I, who have much in terms of possessions, struggle with hope. It’s not that I don’t believe everything will work out. I do. There is an undercurrent of faith, a confidence that a sovereign God is at work. But faith is not hope. I believe God will work all things out but what do I do in the interim? Do I hope? Do I look expectantly at the good that He has promised? Or do I merely exist. Drawn through life on the tide of faith, never hoping or anticipating that good is close. That God is close and He is good.

Anticipation.

My internal dialogue has resembled a grey donkey with a similar grey disposition. “It’s raining again. It always does.” Downcast head and monotone voice. A cuddly donkey burdened by life and void of hope. I’m a lot like Eeyore. Not being like Eeyore takes practice. And it has occurred to me how I am out of practice.

Expectation.

Faith is believing that God is who He says He is and that He will do what He said He will do. And hope, hope is the excited anticipation of seeing just how He will do it. Faith is the soil. It is the foundation. The solid earth we build our lives upon. And maybe hope is the tiny garden of flowers so lovingly tended outside the house that has a dirt floor and no roof. Or maybe hope is the bright blue house surrounded by wreckage, need and hardship.

Hope.

So today, I pledge to practice hope. To build my life on the foundation of faith. To believe in a God mighty and capable. But also, to take a moment to tend to my garden. The tiny patch of beautiful flowers. To anticipate. To marvel at the creative ways God will bring about His plan. To hope in the unexpected.

Rights!!

On Faith, ,

My family and I are getting ready for a short term mission trip to Mexico. The last time I was getting ready for a short term mission trip to Mexico, I was in high school. Four score and seven years ago.

I will never forget the preparation for the first trip. My youth pastor sat us down at one of the meetings to watch a video. It was Loren Cunningham, the founder of Youth With a Mission. I was so impacted, I still remember the point of his message.

Missionaries have no rights. 

You do not have the right to a comfortable bed. You do not have the right to a warm shower or a shower of any kind for that matter. All those things that we accept as rights are more in line with what the rest of the world would call privileges. Clean bathrooms, potable water from the faucet, indoor plumbing…privileges.

Since those many trips to Mexico and other adventures, I have discovered that the relinquishing of rights is required of more than just missionaries. Anyone who would call themselves a disciple has been given that same charge.

Disciples have no rights.

Our contrived ideas that 12 men sat at the foot of the Master with legs and arms crossed taking notes are devastatingly misplaced. Jesus told them to follow Him. He told them to bury their dead, sell all they had, become as dependent and single minded as children. To relinquish their rights.

There are times when my children try to exercise their rights. Often they attempt to evoke the fifth amendment. They falsely believe that they do not have to say anything that may or may not incriminate them in an illegal or inappropriate activity. That does not get them far.

But I also will try to invoke my rights. The Declaration of Independence tells me that I have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And yet…

He [Jesus] called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

I struggle to relinquish my rights. I find myself often ready to stage a coup against those ills and injustices done to me. I am ready to rise up and defend my position. I whine and complain. I feel entitled. I want to grab the situation with both hands and force it to yield to my vision of how it should be. To take no prisoners. To exercise my rights.

And yet…I am asked to lay down my rights. To relinquish control and to become dependent upon the Giver of Life. Like a child. Unless I change.

I have no rights.

I don’t like it. I fight this idea on a daily basis. It goes against every grain of my fiber. But that’s the point. The coup that must be staged is within my heart. My self-righteousness and pride and self-assurance must be extricated by the roots and surrendered.

How about you? If you are wondering if you hold onto certain rights, watch your attitude today. And I will do the same. May the coup begin!